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February 18th, 2002
So it's Thursday night/Friday morning. I'm trying to go to sleep. It's been another Valentine's Day come and gone ending up with me in bed by myself (don't worry - this is not an essay on the lack of my involvement in that particular Hallmark Holiday - there's enough of that to go around without my bitter, bored, bromide bitchiness). The reason I need to sleep is that I'm doing something the next day that I have not done in almost ten years. Something that used to come so naturally to me that I would literally sleep through it, has now become the source of tossing and turning, wondering and grousing.
I am, of course, talking about going to a theatre audition.
As some of you may know, I quit the stage in May of 1995 after finishing a yearlong stint as Nathan Detroit in a NY-based tour of "Guys'n'Dolls". I literally had not auditioned for a musical since long before that (August of 1992 - on a fateful day when I would meet three guys who became my closest friends - the nubile thangs! - during auditions for 'Buddy!"). I was desperately trying to remember what the hell one does at an audition that doesn't require reading 30-second copy about department stores, or dandruff shampoo, or lottery games. I couldn't remember. Hence I was awake.
I had to get up early so I could get in line and get seen. This wasn't just a normal audition. No no. I don't have a theatrical agent here yet. Nobody is pushing my name in front of casting directors. Nope, I was going to go to an Equity open call at the Equity office for "The Producers"' National Tour (yes, I know I just got here and why do I wanna leave so quickly - well, it's "The Producers" and its an Equity contract - which means big cities, sit-downs, no busses, and a hefty weekly salary - oh - and its "The PRODUCERS", silly). The companies that produce Broadway shows and Equity tours are obligated to hold open auditions for members of the Union. Its a given that VERY few actors are hired from these auditions, but I figgered, what the heck, gotta get back on that horse sometime, no?
So what to audition with? Well, that was the easy part. Most musical theater professionals have a book of songs ready to pull out at an audition, usually 10 to 15 songs. A mixture of uptempo, ballads, rock-like songs, and legit pieces. Me? Umm..I have two. A ballad and an uptempo. The ballad is not often done and I think it shows me off nicely. The uptempo is the most sung audition piece, possibly in history and I can only make it sound different by singing it with bombast, bravado, and a Yiddish accent. Oh, it's called "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" and it's from, that's right, "Guys'n'Dolls".
I thought of all the funny things I could do with it to make myself more like a totally in control Zero Mostel or Nathan Lane. The only reason I thought I had a shot was because when they were casting the tour of "Dolls", they couldn't find anyone in NYC to play Nathan (played by Mr. Lane), so I figured, what the heck, worked once, right?
Naiveté is a great source for chutzpah!
